Fear of photos

As the calendar counts down to the surgery date (39 days as of this blog post), I decided I had better take a look at the column that will appear in The Daily News the week before my surgery. It's amazing how much my perspective has changed since I first wrote it.
The chip on my shoulder has been sloughed down by knowledge. I've talked to so many people who have either had or are having this same surgery, and I am feeling confident.
At least, at this minute I am. There are those other times when I literally shake thinking of the days that lie ahead. The changes. The fear. The pressure I will place on myself.
When those moments hit, I remember something that my mother has said often: "There but for the grace of God go I."
I have nothing of which to be afraid. This journey is a positive one. There are others of my family and friends whose journeys are taking them to places of darkness. Mine ... is all light. I am lucky. I am blessed.
 I am not afraid.
In the spirit of not afraid, I am following through on uploading those full-body photos that I talked about in my last post. My co-worker, Dawn Johnson Deal, took the photos. She did a great job. For my last photo, she told me to "pose like a model." I'm glad she did, because my first photo really shows how nervous I am ... arms tucked behind my, one hand crept into the jeans pocket. I chose to use the last one, my "glamor" shot :)
As I even think about putting these pictures on display, it feels almost surreal. I don't look at myself in photos. I don't allow parts of my body to be snapped. My stomach, my double-chin, my back. Oh boy.
My new friend, fellow gym rat and gastric bypass patient, Jennifer Christensen Zacher, gave me some advice on the subject of photos. One of her regrets, she said, is that she didn't document the changes in her body as they occurred. With her surgery, Jennifer lost a tremendous amount of weight and now looks simply amazing. She is healthy and proves it by doing Zumba at our gym, Lite Weights for Women.
I'm going to follow her advice. So, this is my first set of photos. What you are seeing here is a woman who is completely out of her comfort zone. I am exposing my tender underbelly (no pun intended), but I do not ask for sympathy or compassion.
As Popeye said, "I yam what I yam."

Serendipity

First off, I am happy to report that I have a new date for my surgery: Feb. 28. I got it confirmed today with the scheduler.
The new date is exactly seven years to the day since my father died. Strange how things work out sometimes. The nice thing ... my lucky number is 7 (having been born on 7/7/67 ... what else could it be?).
As my editor here at the paper said: "Serendipity is real. Go with it!"
It gives me about a month to err on the side of caution here at work (our schedule is clear from the end of February through March).
Like everyone else who goes into this surgery, there's no clear answer as to whether the skilled hands of the surgeon can make those tiny incisions and do the job or whether it's going to take a much larger cut. The bigger the incision, the longer it takes to heal. The greater the chance of hernia and infection. Etc.
So, despite the tears I shed over my decision to put this off, I have come to terms with it and am happy with my decision.
A young woman who goes to my gym (the lovely and wonderfully inspiring Jennifer Zacher ... who I just friend-requested on Facebook, so she should be able to add her two cents into these discussions) put it into perspective for me.
Jennifer had gastric bypass a few years ago, so she knows where she's coming from. She told me that my surgery just wasn't meant to be on that day. Maybe the surgeon would have been having an off day. Or ... another reason.
I buy into the notion that everything in life falls into place when it is supposed to, so now it's time to look at the new date with anticipating eyes.
I have a goal between now and then, besides the obvious ones of control and weight loss. One of the things I told myself when starting this blog is that I want to break down some barriers for myself and hopefully for others. One of my biggest fears has always been photos taken. Specifically, photos of my body. Not naked photos or something like that ... oh, hells no! I'm talking, run-of-the-mill pictures that most people take for granted. Ones that show body areas below the neck.
Even my profile picture for this blog is strategically placed. It is designed to show my head and part of my shoulders. Ever since I was little, I've been self-conscious of my broad shoulders. I feel like a linebacker.
I've decided to fight back against my own self-esteem issues. I am going to ask a friend to take some"before" photos for me. In the spirit of (nearly) full disclosure, I plan to post them here. They might not be pretty, but I'm not going to sit around and pick them apart either. Everyone will be able see where my challenges are. My stomach is by far the worst and will undoubtedly be the one area that will take the most work. For someone who has the classic "metabolic syndrome" (diabetes, high blood pressure, high cholesterol and polycystic ovarian syndrome), the stomach usually is the place where the fat gathers.
I'm excited to kick that syndrome to the curb.