This journey is evolving into so much more. It has become less about the pounds and ounces I am dropping and more about the changes that are occurring underneath the shrinkage.
Don't get me wrong: Being lighter is amazing. Something I haven't experienced ... ever, really. I love it.
Overall, as I grow more accustomed to not using food as a shield for my emotions, I have found myself coming more in touch with my feelings. The other night, I had dinner with my friend, Sue-Ellen, and sort of spewed out how much I enjoyed her company. I told her that I love her, and I do.
I want to spend more time with my friends and my loved ones. For a long time, I have lived like a hermit. Food addiction can do that to you. Alcoholics many times like to drink alone. Drug addicts shoot up in private, hiding their secret from prying eyes. When I ate myself into oblivion, I hid too. I found excuses to stay cooped up at home ... just me and whatever I could whip up out of the cupboard.
The reason why I started this post, though, is that tonight I realized I have found a new love. Something better than fruit ... more filling than any donuts I used to eat. More satisfying than pizza ... never thought I'd say that ;-)
It's my body.
Don't misunderstand: I have not suddenly become a mirror hound, admiring myself at every turn. Truth be told, I hesitate to look in the mirror at all, unless I am putting on my makeup or taking a photo to post to Facebook (lol). I have sagging skin ... my breasts are shrinking. I have batwings on my upper arms ... my upper inner thighs look like a couple of sharpeis have decided to take naps there. The list goes on. This is not a litany of self-hate. It is the reality of what losing a fair amount of weight can do to a body.
Just because I don't spend a lot of time looking at this wondrous machine doesn't mean that I don't love it.
Nearly every movement it makes is under my control. I do my crunches at the gym and feel that core (those muscles that are still bubble-wrapped with loose skin and flab) tighten satisfyingly. I walk on the treadmill or run with the puppies, and the muscles in my legs flex smoothly. I have very little pain in my knees, for which I consider myself lucky, and am figuring out that a stronger core is helping my back to be less painful.
As I write this, it is Friday night. Earlier this evening, I walked from our home to the river where I jogged and walked the trail there. Roughly 45 minutes, burning about 300 calories. The best part?
I was so close to RUNNING that I could almost taste it. There was a joy to be found there.
The satisfying crunch of my tennis shoes on the gravel. Black Sabbath blaring "Iron Man" in my ears. I was alone but not by myself ... all around me was the beauty of nature (when you are happy and feeling good, even the dusty dredge spoils are lovely).
I will never be a model, and thankfully, I have never had such aspirations. Although I am still concentrating on weight loss, I am also hoping to build as much lean muscle as possible.
I've decided it's time to stop fighting this body structure I was born with and use it to its fullest potential instead: I have broad shoulders, narrow hips and no butt to speak of. I am destined to be small and wiry ... built more like a boy than a girl.
And love it =) ...